One tool is the word no. No is a knife word. No job. No husband. No children. No entrance. No exit. No hope. Not here. Not home. Not done. Nobody. Nothing. No where.
Yet we need it.
The ancient Chinese philosopher once said, ‘Before a man can do things, there must be things he will not do.’ How much more true this is for a woman.
How do we slice our priorities? When her husband took a job in agricultural research in the Philippines, Betty Mae Dyck was sure she could get by without a maid. Of course I can do all my own housework! she thought.
However, she says, "When I had lived in the Philippines for less than two weeks during the steaming rainy season, I began to think differently about household help. My energy level sank in the debilitating heat and humidity. Perspiration pouring from our sweat glands made two complete changes of clothing a day a social necessity.
The frozen and canned fruits and vegetables, mixes and other convenience foods I had relied on so heavily in Canada were unavailable in the Filipino market. Vegetables, fruits, meats and eggs had to be bargained for – each item separately. Then one had to hurry home and wash everything carefully to prevent spoilage. It seemed one had to bargain for, wash, sort, peel and chop everything before any actual cooking took place. The process took its toll in emotional as well as physical energy.
During those early weeks, it became clear that I couldn’t manage to keep my house clean, let alone attractive, and my husband fed, doing everything alone. Even if I could do it alone, I already knew I would just barely manage. Not enough time would be left to keep myself properly groomed and dressed, and no time at all for a ministry to the people around me. That was frightening, discouraging, and disappointing."1
Betty Mae hired maids, struggled to discover rules for relating to them successfully, and then went on to teach in local public and Christian schools, to capitalise small handicraft businesses run by needy Christians, to conduct innumerable Bible Studies, to do church work, to write books, and to counsel a continual flood of guests. Meanwhile, by hiring maids, she gave work to Filipinos and led several of them to Christ. To do that, to have this expanded ministry, she had to let others into her privacy. She had to share the control of her home.
Professional writer Ellen Seton speaks for many when she admits, "Make no mistake – I don’t have it all. No woman with a job and children can have it all – that’s women’s fib. What she can have is a little bit of a lot of things. What I have is a lot of time for my child and my work, only a little bit of time to be alone with my husband and almost no time for anything else." 2
What’s disappeared from Ellen Seton’s life? Baths (replaced by showers). Crossword puzzles. Pets. Nail polishing. Sending birthday cards. Any cooking fancier than cheese sandwiches. Languorous, spontaneous love with her husband. Lunches with friends. Sometimes even Christmas cards. Weekend mornings in bed with the newspaper and coffee. Leisurely strolling arm-in-arm in the evening. Spur of the moment plans to slip away for the weekend.
Of course we can’t do it all. We look at Betty Mae and Ellen. Along with saying no to some things, they have said yes to other things, significant things.
Don’t Answer the Wrong Question
Sweet Suffering is a book by a 68-year-old psychiatrist, Natalie Shainess. 3 It aims to teach us women how to be more assertive. Among its recommendations: When someone asks you a question, don’t feel you must answer. Don’t feel limited to that topic. Follow the example of politicians. Answer briefly, then expand the topic to an area that interests you more.
Or when people have an agenda or plan, don’t argue. But consider whether you should have different plans. If so, make them, and operate in terms of those.
For example, at a party someone asks you, "And what do you do?"
"I’m a homemaker," you smile. The conversation dwindles, and you feel resentful because your chosen job hasn’t been given much respect.
But it’s partly your fault. How does the stranger know you’re committed to homemaking rather than having just gotten stuck in it? You must take the responsibility to channel the conversation in ways that will enable you to share yourself.
"And what do you do?"
"I’m a homemaker," you smile, "and I happen to be particularly interested in the development of children." Or. "and I put a lot of my energies into local school activities," or whatever distinguishes you. Give your conversational partner a break, and a direction.
How like Jesus this sounds. When people asked Him questions, he often turned the questions around and led the discussion to something quite different. People continually struggled to fit Him into their plans. Yet how often he slipped away.
In Mark 1:37–39, for example, Peter hustles up: "Your public is calling! You must come!"
Jesus shrugs, "I have another agenda." And He walks away. Jesus knew how to say no – in order to say yes.
Women traditionally have been more adaptive than assertive. We have fit in more than we have spoken up. We have served more than we have taken charge. We have nurtured domestic cocoons more than we have confronted world powers.
Adapting, fitting in, serving, and nurturing are beautiful. We don’t want to give up those roles. But we need to balance between being adaptive and being assertive. Between serving others’ priorties and obeying our own vision.
Fundamentally, of course, our focus is neither others’ priorities nor our own, but the priorities of the kingdom of Christ. In practice we don’t always agree what the priorities of the kingdom are. So we must give space to those with whom we disagree. We must treat them with respect. Nevertheless, we must return again and again to Jesus’ pithy reminder that if we seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, all our various activities will find their rightful niche.
To be continued in the next issue of Women to Women. This is taken from Miriam Adeney, A Time for Risking, Regent College Publishing, Vancouver. Used with permission. Miriam Adeney is Associate Professor of Global and Urban Ministry at Seattle Pacific University, and Research Professor of Mission at Regent College. She is a member of University Presbyterian church in Seattle, Washington, where she lives with her husband and three sons.
Footnotes
- Ruth Klassen, How Green is My Mountain (Downers Grove Ill.; Inter varsity Press, 1979) pp. 37-39
- Ellen Seton,’Women’s Fib: You can have it All’ Redbook, 1984, p.160
- Natalie Shainess, Sweet Suffering (New York: Bobbs Merill,1984)
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