When we look at a man or woman, we are not just seeing that person. We are also looking at what makes that person what he or she is now. Hence, if we can see others, young or old, from this wider point of view, we may be more patient and more appreciative; we may find it easier to forgive them when they wrong us and love them for the Lord.
One of the influences on a person’s development is the gender of that particular person. In many loving couples’ pilgrimage through marriage, misunderstanding of one another’s language usage, due to gender differences, has caused more problems than they have bargained for. The same words spoken may be interpreted differently by men and by women. Sometimes they appear to have two different languages! Therefore the concept of genderlct was coined by a psychologist, Deborah Tannens (1).
Here are some differences in gender related conversational styles:
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In public (on stage)—Men talk more, using report talk such as comments on politics, business or the weather.
Women talk less, using rapport talk to build personal relationships (not usually done in public).
In private (off stage)—Men remain silent; presumably, there is nothing left to report.
Women talk more because the place to connect for intimacy is behind the scenes.
Therefore, for example, at the end of the day, the following conversation may ensue:
Woman: "You don’t listen! You don’t care!"
Man : "I’m relaxing because there is nothing to report… but I do care…so don’t accuse me!"
If this type of verbal communication takes place just once in a while, it may be tolerable. If it happens frequently, irritation may accumulate to cause more serious consequences.
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Men are focused on what they want to do.
Women are focused on the need for sympathy or to give sympathy.
An example:
Wife : "I’m not feeling well…" (looking for sympathy after talking to toddlers the whole day long…)
Husband : "I’ll take you to the doctor." (action, man, action!)
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Some men can be like women and some women can be like men in gender related temperament roles. However, physical sexual roles cannot be interchanged. This is clearly forbidden in Scriptures (Romans 1:18-32).
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It might help us further understand the common differences between men and women as we consider the following information given in a local newspaper some time ago.
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A Woman
She can multitrack i.e she can do more than one thing at once…two or three or more tasks e.g. she may cook dinner, watch a toddler and answer another child’s questions simultaneously …without getting too irritable.
A Man
When a man turns on the TV he goes deaf! He usually can’t listen carefully and talk gently/right at the same time, even during commercials.
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A Woman
As a baby, she has better verbal skills than the man. She verbalises more to fellow humans or dolls for relationship formation.
A Man
He makes more noises to objects e.g. "Bang, Bang at a toy car…"
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A woman
She communicates more and more effectively. She is able to link the feeling recognition centre and the speaking centre instantly and says what and how she feels. Actually, she sees speech as a way to find out how she feels. She keeps talking AND talking until she covers all the things that could be bothering her. She discovers, finally, what it is that is making her feel bad…this gives her man migraines! Why? This is because as she talks, he is busy trying to solve the problems she is stacking in front of him. Generally, therefore, a woman speaks more words than a man a day.
A Man
When asked about feelings, apparently a man has to search for and find the feeling centre in his brain, identify the feeling, then track back to the word centre to describe the feelings and then speak. By that time, he has forgotten what the feeling is and so he has to track back to look for it. Thinking and speaking about feelings simultaneously is difficult for a man, if not a torture. This means that a man is often unaware of how he feels and he needs to sit quietly to work it out and then put it in words. (This does not mean, however, that the neutral pathways cannot be further opened through constant practice or when miraculously touched by the Lord Himself.)
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A Woman
A woman uses words to connect, to share and to nurture relationships. This is the most important thing in a woman’s life. She is hungry for details when she asks, "How are you?" This is her chance to share her feelings and her love for you.
A Man
A man is desperate to be left alone!
(Let us) learn from the God who has spoken to us and who desires that we speak to Him.
John 3:16-17—Jesus does not condemn.
John 2:24-25—Jesus knows everything, including the worst about us.
Rev. 3:20—Jesus still desires to talk to us.
As you open up your private communication to the God of language and speech, you will improve your verbal communication with your spouse, children, parents, friends and even those you disagree with.
(1) "You Just Don’t Understand–Women & Men in Conversation" Deborah Tannen, William Morrow and Co. Inc. 1990
This is an extract from the book Friends of the Bridegroom by Lee Bee Teik. Available at SUFES and Glad Sounds bookrooms.
Email: reconcilor@reconre.com
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