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 Conflict is as old as the human race. But the stress of modern life and the influence of the culture of free expres-sion have led to more conflicts or more open conflicts in Malaysian society today.
The Church is not exempted from this trend. From petty quarrels between Christians to ugly church splits, these conflicts do not honour Christ, and it is time the Church confront the problem in its face.
Be Aware
The average church member is “aware” of conflict in his or her congregation. Too often, however, this awareness is taken with a sense of resignation or becomes fuel for gossip. To be truly aware, one needs to think clearly about conflict.
The three main causes of conflict are doctrinal differences, personal wrongs and personality clashes. Doctrinal battles, for better or worse, are less keenly fought at this time when unity and ecumenism are emphasised. Personality clashes, on the other hand, are becoming increasingly prevalent.
This is partly the result of structural relationships in churches and denominations becoming more complex, and partly due to the swelling ranks of dynamic leaders. Whatever the classification of a conflict, however, the ancient “I” factor remains a key player. What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? (Jam. 4:1) The demands of modern life and rising expectations tend to aggravate tensions in interpersonal relationships.
The consequences of conflict include hurt and unforgiveness (and their attendant ill effects) at the personal level and the stifling of growth at the church level. Unresolved tension between the pastor and other church leaders often robs a church of effective leadership, and affects the enthusiasm and morale of a congregation. Disputes between Christians in business may even lead to lawsuits.
In the NECF Survey of Churches, Pastors and Christians Year 2001, 47.2% of Christians reported that “relationships in their church are generally harmonious”; 26.9% reported “no outburst of conflicts but undercurrents and discontentment are felt; 17.7 % reported “one or more conflicts (in the past two years) but they are resolved amicably”; while 8.2% reported “one or more conflicts and people are leaving the church”.
In the more recent Emotional Connection Between Pastors and Congregation Survey 2004, 65% of pastors agree that irreconciliable differences are a common reason for people to discontinue the services of their pastors, while 64% believe that disagreement with leadership is often a cause of pastors leaving the church.
Be Prepared
Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional. ~ Max Lucade
Preparedness to deal with conflict is essential for the lay Christian all the way to top church leaders. Conflicts of different natures are to be dealt with differently. A framework for thinking about conflict resolution is necessary.
A basic paradigm is the “Slippery Slope of Conflict” (www.HisPeace.org) that arranges responses from one extreme to the other extreme. “Escape responses” (peace-faking) at the left-hand side of the spectrum include suicide, flight, and denial.
These are followed by “conciliatory responses” (peace-making), which are overlooking the issue, discussion, negotiation, mediation, arbitration, and church discipline. On the right-hand side are the “attack responses” (peace-breaking) of litigation (going to court), assault, and murder. The lesson is to stick to the “conciliatory responses” without slipping to the left or right!
Some offences are small enough to overlook. A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offence. (Prov. 19:11) Besides, Jesus taught us to first remove the plank from our own eye before looking at the speck in our brother’s eye (Matt. 7:4–5, Lk. 6:4–42).
If an offence cannot be ignored, the procedure of Matt. 18:15–17 should be followed. “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.” These four stages correspond roughly to discussion/negotiation, mediation, arbitration, and church discipline.
Mediation, a middle-ground response, is fast becoming a popular resort of Christians in conflict situations. Oftentimes, a mediator is called in by mutual consent.
A mediator, who is a neutral party, does not impose his or her solutions but guides the discussion along productive channels and helps the conflicting parties find their own solutions. This is done by asking appropriate questions and helping the two parties understand each other, and by giving helpful suggestions. The aim is always redemption and restoration.
(An arbitration is where the arbiter imposes a solution that both parties must accept. The arbiter is typically someone with great spiritual authority.)
It is essential for churches to train mediators either for their own church or to be shared among churches. Good intention in itself cannot resolve a conflict.
Knowledge and practice in identifying disputed areas, developing options, evaluating alternatives, et cetera, are necessary if the mediation process is to be successful.
Churches should not take for granted that they will not face serious conflicts in the near future. Well-trained Christian mediators can also be made available to help the community in response to the Government’s call to resolve outstanding court cases through mediation.
More generally, church members should be exposed to the various techniques of peace-making or even avoiding outbursts of conflict by building more transparent interpersonal relationships. There are a number of good resources on this subject and more is on the way.
“Let us not fight as the world fights, but obey the
guidelines in the Bible. If the Church walks the way of love, the world will know that we are Jesus’ disciples.” |
Expand the Pie
Creativity comes from a conflict of ideas. ~ Donatella Versace
When we speak of conflict, we automatically think of the competitive negotiation style that is based on the assumption of a “fixed pie”.
If A wins this much, B loses by the same amount. Instead, we should try a different and more productive approach, which is cooperative negotiation. Here, each party looks not only to his or her own interests, but also to the interests of the opponent(s) (Phil. 2:4). The aim is a win-win solution.
It is essential to distinguish an issue, a position, and an interest. An issue is an identifiable and concrete question. A position is a desired outcome or what someone wants to see happen on an issue.
An interest is what motivates people and gives rise to positions – a concern, desire, need, limitation and others. While positions on an issue are often contradictory, key interests of opposing sides are usually compatible. The “trick” is to prayerfully search for creative solutions that satisfy both sides, thus expanding the pie!
Conclusion
We should not shrink from conflict. Rather, we should embrace conflict as an opportunity to seek the Lord and enhance relationships. Let us not fight as the world fights, but obey the guidelines in the Bible. If the Church walks the way of love, the world will know that we are Jesus’ disciples (John 13:35).
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